My Body Hates Me

My body hates me. I know it does. It didn't used to hate me. It's just in the past several months that it has decided to rebel. It's probably payback for all I put it through during my five pregnancies. In 1993, 1995/6, and 1996/7 I put my cute little body through hell growing foreign bodies and stretching parts that didn't want to be stretched. But Body still liked me then. I didn't have to lift so much as a toe to lose my baby weight (quit glaring at the monitor, blame God and good genes, not me).

Occasionally, Body would get ticked at me like the time I was forced to take Aunt Flow with me on my anniversary weekend with Hubby. For those of you men who are staring there with a blank look on your face, Aunt Flow is a female body function. If I have to explain it any further then may God help you in your relationships with women.

I'm thinking the last two pregnancies are where Body drew the line. It was skinny again and looking mighty fine. But no, I had to go and place two more foreign bodies in it (not at the same time) causing things to stretch again. Plus, I'd hit the big 3-0. Six weeks after Maisie was born I weighed 133 lbs (EEK!). Eek because I was 103 lbs when I became preggo the first time, 12 years earlier. So, in the last three years Body and I have been in a constant struggle. I make the weight go down; Body makes it go back up. I thought I'd defeated it last September when I got down to 120lbs for my half sister's wedding. For the first time in forever I looked at the wedding pictures and thought, I look hot! But, Body had other plans. By December, I was 130 pounds and by January I was 140 pounds. This is when the struggle between Slacker Fattie and the Skinny Bitch became heated. I gave them names and they took on personalities of their own (no, I do not have multiple personality disorder, I swear...but I am a Gemini!).

So, why does my body hate me now? Well, over the last six months the Skinny Bitch has defeated Slacker Fattie by losing over twenty pounds. The final weigh in for my final weight loss competition, Sexy by Summer, ends tomorrow morning. I was so excited to weigh myself yesterday and see 118.2 lbs since I'd slacked off a bit after the Waist Watchers challenge ended a few weeks ago. Now I'm nervous for tomorrow's weigh in and measuring. Body and Slacker Fattie have teamed up to make me eat Tostitos chips and artichoke dip AND fill me up with excess water thus bloating up my belly. This is in retaliation for the nasty health food and all the cardio exercises I put Body and Slacker Fattie through. Thanks, guys. If I lose by a tiny percentage of body fat tomorrow I'm blaming you. Oh, and this isn't over. Just for your horrible PMS timing I'm going to continue to eat healthy and exercise. AND I'm going to throw in extra strength training, too.

Tune in tomorrow for my final weight and measurements which I will post even though I didn't make my goal. It may take a day or two for the judges to calculate everything and let us know who won the contest, but you all will be the first to know so keep your fingers crossed!

Should teens attend teen funerals?

Many of you know that my 15 year old daughter, Kelly, lost a classmate last week. This is her first experience losing someone her age. Travis was killed when another driver cut him off causing him to lose control of his vehicle. He was ejected as his SUV rolled over. He was not wearing his seatbelt. The passenger, who was wearing his seat belt, survived.

Yesterday, Kelly came to me with tears in her eyes. Travis's mom sent an email to all the band members and color guard team letting them know when the viewing and funeral would be. I told Kelly that she may want to go to get some closure but the decision was up to her. I let her know that I would go with her if she wanted to attend either or both.

But can teens handle this type of emotion?

Is this one of those things they have to go through as they grow up? I'm not sure she needs to go to the viewing. Can she handle seeing another teen in that state? Unfortunately this isn't her first funeral. When she was two years old she sat with Hubby the day we buried her brother. She didn't really understand but she remembers bits and pieces. She was a little older when her great-grandmother passed away and she remembers the funeral of a dear family friend. She and Reyna went with me to a funeral when a high school friend of mine lost her mom. They knew her a little from seeing her at dance recitals because they took dance from my friend.

But this is different. This is a boy who was only two years older than her. Someone that she sat with in class. Someone she marched with on the field at half-time. Someone she attended competitions and camps with. Will going to his funeral help bring closure or cause her more pain? More emotional distress?

Unfortunately I know in my heart that this will not be the last friend she'll lose during her high school years. The statistics are just too high to think otherwise. I know that it could also be her that is lost, though I pray God will spare us since He has already taken one of our children (wishful thinking on my part).

For now, the decision is hers. I hope that I'm making the right decision by leaving it up to her and that she makes the right choice. If this were your 15 year old, what would you do?

Looking for a job?

Moms needed (well, not really since the world is already over-populated but whatever) to raise tomorrow's future and for someone to change our diapers during our Golden Years.

Pay: $0

Monthly/yearly bonuses: $0

Overtime: $0

Vacation pay: $0

Insurance available: see current president

Sick time: hahahaha Employees may be paid in snotty, slobbery kisses, germ-infested hugs, occasional "I love you's" (rare) or "Thanks you's" that sound more like "F*#$ you's" (often, especially during the teen years)

Closes- when eggs are all shriveled up, in other words opened continuously or subject to close without notice.

Minimum qualifications- fertile eggs, strong uterus, ability to withstand extreme pain for 1-48 hours straight, ability to go without sleep for days/weeks at a time, excess hair for pulling out during teen years (hair loss products not covered under non-existent insurance plan), graduation from high school a plus but not required, felony convictions allowed, use of alcohol, drugs, or cigarette smoking is discouraged but allowed. Ability to cook, launder clothes, change diapers, drive, and understand calculus a plus but not required.

Present working schedule- 24 hour, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. No time off what-so-ever...EVER. NO vacation time unless all sub-employees come along. NO sick time even if you are on your death bed- dinners must still be cooked and laundry must still be done. All applicants must apply in person (internet conception has yet to be invented but scientists are currently working to correct this problem).

Laundry for Six

No, this isn't some new reality show. This is really about doing laundry for a family of six. If you're looking for great tips on laundering such as stain removal, stop reading because I am the worst at stains. Those clothes get tossed in the garbage because even the Salvation Army shoppers deserve non-stained clothes.

Our family consists of Kelly, 15, who throws all of her clothes on the floor whether they are clean or dirty; Reyna, 12, who throws all of her clothes on the floor whether they are clean or dirty; Carson, 5, who is a very heavy sleeper and doesn't usually know he has to pee resulting in daily washings of blankets and PJs; Maisie, 2, who prefers to run around naked thus having the smallest piles of dirty clothes; Hubby, 3?, who doesn't seem to notice his growing pile of dirty clothes until his dresser is empty; and Me, 36, who will wear the same t-shirt/shorts/pants until they absolutely need to be washed (great perk of a SAHM). Occasionally a toy/toys/Barbie clothes/stuffed animal, etc will need a "bath" making more work for me. But since I love my family, I'm happy to oblige.

Currently my system is as follows: wash, dry, throw on the floor (which is clean by the way), wash, dry, and throw on the floor. This process lasts until I can no longer open the dryer door which is usually after 3-4 loads. Then they get moved to The Big Comfy Couch where the next process begins – folding and sorting. T-shirts/jackets to be hung in one pile. Shorts/pants/skirts to be hung in another pile. Towels and blankets in another pile. And a separate pile for each family member. Socks get thrown into a heap which is usually sorted a few days later or until none are left as various family members have walked off with them.

Tip – Newly married couples/new parents: Buy each member of the family different socks and don't allow anyone to buy them socks other than their assigned type. Hanes are great because they have different colors on the bottom. Having to sort through 567,834 different pair of socks is NOT fun!

Tip – After age 10, children are perfectly capable of doing their own laundry. Just leave a very detailed "How To" above the washer and dryer. I started doing this when I found folded clean clothes at the bottom of the baskets. Note- child will ask how to do the laundry even though the instructions are in front of him/her, be patient.

Eventually, the Big Comfy Couch is free of clothes… which lasts less than 24 hours when the whole process begins again. Don't ask me how many loads I do in a week, or how many gallons of water we use, or how many bottles of Tide we go through. It's just too depressing to add up.

Oh, and I do NOT search pockets which is why my clothes are washed separately. If you leave a crayon, lip gloss, gum, etc in your pockets, you better hope they don't stain or stick. And lighters still work after they've been washed which continues to surprise me.

Final Tip – Dance while you fold/hang-up. That's right I said dance. It's a great stress reliever and a good way to burn up the calories you'll consume after you drink the cocktail you must have after doing 439 loads of laundry.