My Fairy Tale

I was adopted at birth. I have two amazingly loving parents and two loving and supportive older sisters. But there was something missing. A hole. Deep in my heart.

When I turned 18, my parents took me to the lawyer that handled my adoption so we could find my biological parents. He said he couldn't help us. We had no idea what to do next or how to find them. So, my hole was still there. Sitting empty. Deep in my heart.

Fast forward to the 4th worst moment in my life. During a routine ultrasound in the 7th month of my second pregnancy, we were given wonderful news. It's a boy! A few minutes later, there was a problem. He's not growing like he should be. Three weeks later – the 3rd worst moment in my life. My baby, my little boy, was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Hubby knew it wasn't from his side of the family because he knew his medical background. It was possible that it was a fluke, but I didn't know. Two weeks later – the 2nd worst moment in my life. My little Angel was placed in my arms, where he stayed (unless held by other friends or family) until he took his last breath. Four days later, the worst moment in my life, February 1997. I buried my Angel.

This experience lit a fire under me and fueled my desire to find a way to get my medical history. We went to court twice and were finally told that the state had to find my biological mom and get updated history. It was during this time I was told that I could receive non-identifying information. The day I received it, a small part of the hole filled in. I knew how old both of my biological parents were when I was born. I knew what they looked like and a tiny bit about their lives. Then, we waited. And waited. And waited. I registered with the ISRR and every free adoption reunion site I could find.

Searching is extremely emotionally exhausting. I could only search for so long before I had to take a break. Fast forward to February 2008. I was suffering from self-esteem issues and emotional issues that were related to the hole. Deep in my heart. I got back on the computer and back on Soaring Angels. An Angel on there remembered me from my last search. I know, now, that I was supposed to have been given my biological parents' names not long after I joined Soaring Angels the first time, about 4 years earlier. Within 2 weeks I received a phone call. I don't know who the woman was, nor do I care. She was the one who told me who my biological parents were. I wrote their names down and brought them to Hubby. I held it up and said, "This is them." Tears were streaming down my face.

I don't know how to describe what happened next. It was like a tornado of energy. I emailed three of the Angels that worked on my search and told them the names. I had just gotten an email from one of them with her phone number. I called her and was crying so hard she couldn't understand me. As soon as I was able to calm down enough to tell her about the phone call, she got on her computer and within minutes had my biological mom's address. I emailed my friend, Kris, to let her know and she asked if she could see what she could find out. The next two days, we all spent glued to our computers, searching for everything we could find. I wrote draft after draft, trying to find the right words to put in letters to the two people who I wanted so badly to meet. It was Easter, so I decided to wait until after the holiday to mail the letters. I wasn't sure how they would feel if the Easter bunny brought them an extra kid that Sunday.

I remember the day I mailed the letters. Reyna went with me to the post office. I had tears in my eyes as I sent them and got the tracking numbers. I spent the next two days refreshing the tracking pages to see where the letters were. Each time they stopped in a different destination, I posted an update on Soaring Angels and sent out emails. Finally, I was able to update that the letters were in the mail boxes.

This is where is gets a little weird. My biological mom and dad both went home for lunch that day. They both checked the mail that day (neither usually do). They both looked through the mail. They read my letters at the same time. My biological dad went back to work and sent me an email. I was on my computer when a little window popped up telling me I'd received an email from him. I just stared at it. When the window closed, I screamed, "HONEY! I got an email!" He came running and we read it together. That night I called him and we talked for over an hour. We tried to fill in as much information as possible in a short time. I learned I had 2 brothers and a sister. I had 2 aunts and grandparents. This was new to me as both my parents are only children and growing up I only had my dad's dad and mom's mom as grandparents. Then it was my biological mom's turn. We, too, tried to fit in a lot in an hour. I learned I had 2 sisters and a brother. I have an uncle and 2 grandparents.

A few days later, on Saturday, I met them both. My biological dad, Hubby, and I met at Shell's. I hugged him until he asked, "Is she ever going to let go?" We had an amazing lunch and talked non-stop the whole time. I brought my baby book for him to look at. Finally, we said goodbye, took a few pictures and I was off to meet my biological mom.

She opened the door and couldn't get to me fast enough. She wrapped me in her arms and the tears started. I met her husband and my sisters. We were only going to stay for a couple of hours. We didn't leave until 9 PM. We shared stories and pictures and more stories.

We discovered we lived 2 miles from my biological mom for 2 years (this was during the time we were going to court). I used to drive past their street all the time, never knowing my family was right there. One of my aunts worked at my high school in the library. I talked to her and had no idea she was my aunt. She and I were at the same funeral a few years ago. I looked right at her, never knowing I was looking at my aunt. My brothers all know each other. Both biological parents drive the same kind of car. Most of my siblings went to the same high school I went to. We were all right there, 10-15 minutes from each other my whole life.

Driving home that night, that hole, deep in my heart, was filled. I'd been accepted by both biological parents with open arms. My search was over. Best of all, I have complete support from my parents and 2 older sisters. They are all very happy for me that I've finally found what I'd been searching for. My life is complete.

No tips today. Just be happy.

Self Esteem

This is something I didn't have for most of my life. I'm no super model but I'm not ugly either. I never thought I was pretty or attractive. Whenever I would tell someone I had low self-esteem they would always ask, "Why?"

The first reason is something a lot of people deal with. Junior high (or middle school) is a very delicate time for pre-teens and teens. My experience was horrible. There were two girls who were very mean to me. They would say mean things, talk about me behind my back, and spread rumors about things I didn't do (some of which I didn't even know what they meant, yet). One of these mean girls caught me after dance and drill practice one day. I was by myself and she approached me with 2 of her friends. She had a lump of clay in her hand, broke off little pieces of it, and threw it in my face. They spent about five minutes doing this and calling me awful names. I was terrified that they were going to beat me up. Eventually they got bored and walked away. I cried all the way home (it's really hard to ride a bike while crying, I don't recommend it).

The other mean girl would make fun of my clothes, my hair, and my choice of friends. I've since learned that Molly Ringwald's character "Andy" in the movie Pretty In Pink wasn't the best choice of a roll model while in junior high. I'd wear blue Converse with a denim skirt. I spray painted a pair of my ballet shoes silver and wore them to school. I used my Swatch watch as a pony tail holder. I didn't want to be the preppy Polo-wearing, sock-scruncher, preppy upper middleclass snob a lot of the other girls at school were. I wanted to be my own person. I was friends with everyone – jocks, cheerleaders, dancers (drill team, not pole), metal heads, dorks, nerds, surfers, even the skinheads (which was a little weird since one of my best friends was black & he's still one of my BFF's). I had books dropped on my head on purpose, so the dean gave me a middle locker. Seventh graders had bottom lockers, 8th graders had middle lockers and 9th graders had top lockers. Someone taped a roach to my middle locker (it's Florida, too easy to find a roach). I was then moved to another middle locker, but that one was targeted, too. Fortunately, my 9th grade friend let me share his locker. He was a tall, cute surfer. No one was going to mess with his locker!

The second reason I had low self-esteem was because I was adopted. It had nothing to do with how I was being raised. I just felt lost. Like something was missing. I didn't really know who I was.

Wow, I thought the first reason would be easier to explain than this one! But, that about sums it up.

Last year, two big things changed for me and allowed me to gain a lot of self confidence.

The first was meeting my biological parents in March of 2008. Seeing my biological mom and dad, meeting them and knowing where I came from helped tremendously. I could see where I got my eye color, know why my hair was brown and I why I was short (both of them are short so I didn't stand a chance). These little things that so many people take for granted made such a huge impact on my life, both negatively and positively. I felt whole for the first time. The little empty spot in my heart was finally filled. I found the part of me that was missing. I discovered who I was. Ok, wow again. I thought this would be much longer. Hmmmm. There's really not much more to say about it other than finding my biological parents was something I needed to do and my life has been much better since I met them.

Last Fall, I was able to do another thing that needed to be done. What happened to me in junior high with the mean girls, affected me ever since. When I joined Facebook, I joined another site someone had set up that was just for those of us who went to the same high school. Not long after joining, a name popped up – it was the lesser of the two mean girls. I think she requested me as a “friend” first. She was cordial and asked how I’d been. I could have responded several different ways. I chose to tell her that before I could be friendly, I needed to tell her how her bullying affected me in a very negative way ever since.

The most powerful words I wrote were, "I forgive you."

I didn't need a response from her. Oh, the incredible feeling that came over me!! I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders!! It was unbelievable!!! (Sorry, Kris, the extra exclamations are needed here!) She did write back and though she didn't remember what she'd specifically done, she apologized and said that she acted that way because of her own self-esteem problems. We have since become friends, not close, but friends nonetheless.

Looking back, I'm angry. Not at her. At myself. I'm angry that I allowed someone to have that much power over me. I couldn't do much about my adoption problems but I didn't have to allow someone to make me feel the way those girls made me feel. I look back at old junior high and high school pictures and see that I was pretty (well, not always in junior high but I was in high school, dammit!).

I lost a bit of that self-esteem when I gained 20 pounds a few months ago. But with the two weight loss competitions I'm in, I'm gaining it back, the self esteem not weight. Yesterday, I actually went out in public in my bathing suit. Yup, the same one pictured in the Thing 1 and Thing 2 post. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I've lost enough weight that I can lay on the beach in a bikini and not be embarrassed. That little milestone gave me a big esteem boost. And, the cute guy with the boat didn't hurt either!

Slacker Fattie tip- Relax. Take a day. ONE day. Do nothing unless you really feel compelled to. Yesterday I took the kids to a lake with a little beach. I got some sun, the kids had fun, and I finally felt ok to wear my bathing suit without covering up in a snow suit.

Sexy Meal tip- Relaxing does NOT mean taking a day to eat whatever you want. Stick with your plan, whatever it is. You can have one small indulgance. SMALL. If you over do it, you'll feel like crap tomorrow AND be filled with regret.