The Other Side

I just finished a book called A Little Bit Engaged by Teresa Hill. Kate is an uptight professional who loves to make lists and fix everyone’s problems. Pastor Ben is young, his secretary thinks he lacks the skills to be a good pastor, and he tends to screw up when trying to help people. Kate falls for Ben when they team up to help 15 year old, Shannon, through her unplanned pregnancy. In the end, Shannon gives her baby to a young married couple who are unable to have children on their own. Kate and Ben surprise Shannon when they announce their engagement and their desire to adopt her because Shannon's mom and grandmother passed away and her dad kicked her out.

Adoption has been a large part of my life. I have a couple of friends who were adopted, I babysat for a family who adopted a little boy, and one of my sisters adopted a little girl. During the search for my biological parents I met-online-adoptees, birth mothers, biological siblings, and even a birth father. Every so often, on Soaring Angels, we'd see a reunion. Some went great, some were a disaster, and some would need time to work out.

The stories were heartbreaking. The desperation of children longing to find the parents who conceived them, mothers desperate to find the baby they cared for and nurtured for nine months, even a birth father who so desperately wants to hold his daughter. The laws are clear in most states. Adoption records are sealed. Period. In most states adoptees can receive non-identifying information. It's very vague but sometimes there is enough information to start a search. Searching is emotionally exhausting. Sometimes you get a lead, you get your hopes up, and then find yourself at yet another dead end. I've seen people who are still searching after thirty years. There are times when they do eventually find family members but are told their mother has passed away. In some instances, the biological family embraces the adoptee sharing stories of the woman who gave birth to them. In other instances, they are shunned.

Many adoptees have the support of their adopted families, like I did. However, I recently met a woman who does not have that support. Her brother was also adopted but he doesn't want to search for his biological family. Her mother is strongly against her searching. I admire her for being strong and going against what her mother wants. Fortunately, she has the support from her fiance who was also adopted.

Members from all sides of adoption are in support of opening records. At the very least, we would like to have our original birth certificates. I've jumped through hoops to get mine. I had to have a notarized form from myself, my parents, and my biological mom. I'm still waiting.

I'm not really sure I have a reason for this post. Thoughts started flowing after reading the book and I just started typing. I guess I'd like for people to be educated on the other side of adoption. Not the cute baby being placed in a loving home with a beautiful family, but the heartache many adoptees go through growing up not knowing where they came from and our struggles to find our biological parents. I'll touch on this again from time to time, further explaining aspects of adoption that most people are not aware of.

Slacker Fattie Tip – Go on a walk. While on your walk… jazz things up a bit. Skip, jog a few steps, stop and do jumping jacks, walk backwards (just watch where you’re going!). Walking is a great way to lose weight and jazzing it up will boost your results.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – This is kind of an odd tip, but one that works for me (it actually came from my friend, Kris). My family loves chocolate chip cookies – as do I – so they are often lying around calling out to me. Occasionally I give in and take a bite of one. I'll chew it for a few seconds, and then spit it out. Gross, I know, but it fed my craving and only allowed a few select calories to sneak in.


Waist Watchers Countdown - 29 days
Sexy by Summer Countdown - 62 days

My Fairy Tale

I was adopted at birth. I have two amazingly loving parents and two loving and supportive older sisters. But there was something missing. A hole. Deep in my heart.

When I turned 18, my parents took me to the lawyer that handled my adoption so we could find my biological parents. He said he couldn't help us. We had no idea what to do next or how to find them. So, my hole was still there. Sitting empty. Deep in my heart.

Fast forward to the 4th worst moment in my life. During a routine ultrasound in the 7th month of my second pregnancy, we were given wonderful news. It's a boy! A few minutes later, there was a problem. He's not growing like he should be. Three weeks later – the 3rd worst moment in my life. My baby, my little boy, was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Hubby knew it wasn't from his side of the family because he knew his medical background. It was possible that it was a fluke, but I didn't know. Two weeks later – the 2nd worst moment in my life. My little Angel was placed in my arms, where he stayed (unless held by other friends or family) until he took his last breath. Four days later, the worst moment in my life, February 1997. I buried my Angel.

This experience lit a fire under me and fueled my desire to find a way to get my medical history. We went to court twice and were finally told that the state had to find my biological mom and get updated history. It was during this time I was told that I could receive non-identifying information. The day I received it, a small part of the hole filled in. I knew how old both of my biological parents were when I was born. I knew what they looked like and a tiny bit about their lives. Then, we waited. And waited. And waited. I registered with the ISRR and every free adoption reunion site I could find.

Searching is extremely emotionally exhausting. I could only search for so long before I had to take a break. Fast forward to February 2008. I was suffering from self-esteem issues and emotional issues that were related to the hole. Deep in my heart. I got back on the computer and back on Soaring Angels. An Angel on there remembered me from my last search. I know, now, that I was supposed to have been given my biological parents' names not long after I joined Soaring Angels the first time, about 4 years earlier. Within 2 weeks I received a phone call. I don't know who the woman was, nor do I care. She was the one who told me who my biological parents were. I wrote their names down and brought them to Hubby. I held it up and said, "This is them." Tears were streaming down my face.

I don't know how to describe what happened next. It was like a tornado of energy. I emailed three of the Angels that worked on my search and told them the names. I had just gotten an email from one of them with her phone number. I called her and was crying so hard she couldn't understand me. As soon as I was able to calm down enough to tell her about the phone call, she got on her computer and within minutes had my biological mom's address. I emailed my friend, Kris, to let her know and she asked if she could see what she could find out. The next two days, we all spent glued to our computers, searching for everything we could find. I wrote draft after draft, trying to find the right words to put in letters to the two people who I wanted so badly to meet. It was Easter, so I decided to wait until after the holiday to mail the letters. I wasn't sure how they would feel if the Easter bunny brought them an extra kid that Sunday.

I remember the day I mailed the letters. Reyna went with me to the post office. I had tears in my eyes as I sent them and got the tracking numbers. I spent the next two days refreshing the tracking pages to see where the letters were. Each time they stopped in a different destination, I posted an update on Soaring Angels and sent out emails. Finally, I was able to update that the letters were in the mail boxes.

This is where is gets a little weird. My biological mom and dad both went home for lunch that day. They both checked the mail that day (neither usually do). They both looked through the mail. They read my letters at the same time. My biological dad went back to work and sent me an email. I was on my computer when a little window popped up telling me I'd received an email from him. I just stared at it. When the window closed, I screamed, "HONEY! I got an email!" He came running and we read it together. That night I called him and we talked for over an hour. We tried to fill in as much information as possible in a short time. I learned I had 2 brothers and a sister. I had 2 aunts and grandparents. This was new to me as both my parents are only children and growing up I only had my dad's dad and mom's mom as grandparents. Then it was my biological mom's turn. We, too, tried to fit in a lot in an hour. I learned I had 2 sisters and a brother. I have an uncle and 2 grandparents.

A few days later, on Saturday, I met them both. My biological dad, Hubby, and I met at Shell's. I hugged him until he asked, "Is she ever going to let go?" We had an amazing lunch and talked non-stop the whole time. I brought my baby book for him to look at. Finally, we said goodbye, took a few pictures and I was off to meet my biological mom.

She opened the door and couldn't get to me fast enough. She wrapped me in her arms and the tears started. I met her husband and my sisters. We were only going to stay for a couple of hours. We didn't leave until 9 PM. We shared stories and pictures and more stories.

We discovered we lived 2 miles from my biological mom for 2 years (this was during the time we were going to court). I used to drive past their street all the time, never knowing my family was right there. One of my aunts worked at my high school in the library. I talked to her and had no idea she was my aunt. She and I were at the same funeral a few years ago. I looked right at her, never knowing I was looking at my aunt. My brothers all know each other. Both biological parents drive the same kind of car. Most of my siblings went to the same high school I went to. We were all right there, 10-15 minutes from each other my whole life.

Driving home that night, that hole, deep in my heart, was filled. I'd been accepted by both biological parents with open arms. My search was over. Best of all, I have complete support from my parents and 2 older sisters. They are all very happy for me that I've finally found what I'd been searching for. My life is complete.

No tips today. Just be happy.

Dad cubed

Yesterday I shared with you about both of my moms. Today, I thought I'd share with you about my dads. All 3 of them.

Daddy is my real dad. He's the one who took me fishing under the Eau Gallie bridge. He’s the one who let me snuggle with him in his recliner that only he sat in. He's the dad who cheered me on at soccer games and quietly took pictures of me at my dance recitals. Daddy is the one who taught me how to ride a bike and drive a car. He's the one who rushed me to the ER when I got in my 2nd car accident (neither were my fault). He's the dad who taught me to flip my head over when I was blow drying my hair, it was quicker (a tip I've since passed onto my daughters).

Daddy is the one who gave me away on my wedding day even though as we stood at the top of the stairs I said, "Daddy, don't give me away." After 16 years of marriage, he's still my Daddy. He's the dad who was happy and proud each of the 5 times I made him a Bubby (grandpa). He's the dad who, like my mom, knew what Hubby and I were going through when we lost Jacob. He's the dad who
wanted a little girl so much after losing his own son. Daddy is the dad who still lets me snuggle on his lap in his recliner (not the same one) that only he sits in. He's also the dad who reads to my children in that same chair. He's my real Daddy.

Then there's my biological dad. He's the dad who sent me an email minutes after he received the letter I sent him letting him know who I was. He's the dad who said these first words to me that I'll never forget – "I've been wondering for the last 5 years if I would receive a letter like this." No words can express the joy in my heart knowing he'd thought of me. He's the dad who has learned to accept my hugs because I'll never stop giving them. He's the one who drove 2 1/2 hours so I could spend our first Father's Day with him and drove another 2 1/2 hours to watch Kelly perform at a football game, then take my family out to lunch the next day. He's the dad who sneaks money to my kids knowing they love him even if he didn't spoil them. My bio dad is the dad who wants to get to know me unlike so many biological dads and he's real, to me.

Then there's my step-dad. Well, he is my biological step-dad. He's the dad who isn't technically my dad in any way but accepted me as his daughter from the moment my bio mom received my letter. He's the dad who loves me as he loves his daughters, my sisters. He's the dad who pokes fun at me just like my other dads. He's the one who greets me with a hug like I've been in his life all along. He's the dad who, 3 months before my letter came, agreed to help my bio mom look for me without hesitation. He's the dad who calmed me down after my youngest sister got in a car accident coming home from visiting me. My step-dad is the dad who supported my mom when she told him about me and never judged her for the decision she made. He is my step-dad and is real, to me.

I am blessed to have 3 dads who all love me and care about me. Most adoptees are very lucky to find their biological mothers. Some are lucky to be accepted. Few ever find or are accepted by their biological fathers. This is another reason mine is a Fairytale story.

Slacker Fattie Tip – If you gain back some of the weight you lost this is not an excuse to throw in the towel. Use it, instead, as motivation to work harder. A week and a half ago I gained back 3 pounds. It made me mad and I fought hard to lose it, as well as another pound.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – Have chicken and veggies for breakfast. I got tired of eating egg whites and oatmeal so I tried this. Who said you had to eat chicken only for dinner? It's your meal plan (remember, not diet, meal plan). You decided what you eat and when, no matter how weird people think you've become.

Blessed

A life-changing event occurred a year ago although I can't believe that much time has gone by already. It was something I never thought would happen. I dreamt about it, wrote about it, cried about it and was angry about it. A year ago today, I had no idea my life was about to change forever.

A year ago today, I was still spending countless hours on the computer searching for my biological mother. I had what is called "non-identifying information" but I wanted more. I knew what color hair she had (brown, like mine), what color eyes she had (hazel, like mine), what her build was (medium height and weight, like mine). I knew what year she was born and what area of the country (Southern Gulf Coast state was as specific as DCF would get). I knew how old she was when she had me, what religion her family was, that she had a little brother and that her dad was in a branch of the Armed Forces (Air Force).

What I didn’t know was her name. I didn’t know if she was married. I didn’t know if she had more kids and if they knew about me. I did not know if she ever thought about me.

When I would tell people that I was adopted, the first question they would ask is, "Do you want to find your real mom?" I knew who my real mom was. She's the woman who tucked me in at night. The one who kissed my hundreds of scrapes and bruises during my tomboy phase. She's the woman who read me stories every night and fixed me breakfast every morning. She's the one who yelled at me when I was in trouble and held me when I got my heart broken. She's the one who sat up worrying until she heard my car pull safely in the driveway and saw me walk unharmed through the front door. She's the one responsible for who I am today and who listens to me apologize for the person I used to be while I was growing up. The one who helped me get ready the day I got married. My real mom is the woman who squeezed my hand and cried with me when I buried my son, knowing exactly how I felt because she'd buried her own. Barbara IS my real mom.

A year ago, I found my other mom. My biological mom. The mom who was forced to give me to a family who could take care of me because she was unable to take care of me herself. She was the one who nurtured me and cared for me as I grew inside her womb. She's the one who had to leave the hospital empty-handed and brokenhearted. She's the woman who had to make one of the hardest decisions of her life. She's the woman who, I now know, thought of me every day. Who never stopped loving me. The woman who wanted to find me as much as I wanted to find her. My biological mom is, after finally meeting her, real to me.

I feel very fortunate. Not all adoptees are placed in such loving homes. Not all adoptees are accepted wholeheartedly by their biological moms. I have the best of both worlds. I was blessed with a Fairytale adoption story. I am blessed to be loved by 2 moms.

To be continued.....

Slacker Fattie Tip – When you're cleaning or folding laundry, put on some music. Plug your iPod into your head or play the radio. Listen to your favorite CD. Most importantly, dance. Dance like you've never danced before. No one's watching so live it up. I work up a sweat, get my housework done and have fun doing it.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – Although cheese is not on my meal plan, I allow myself to have it once a week melted over steamed veggies. It's only 60 calories and keeps me from eating a slice of pizza when my kids order out.