Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A birth mother's story....

With the help of the internet, more and more adult adoptees are telling their stories. We're sharing our joy, our pain, our triumphs, and our myriad of issues. We're realizing that we're not the only ones in the world who have low self-esteem, insecurity problems, conscious or subconscious feelings of abandonment, etc. all related to us being adopted. Some of us were made to feel like unwanted bastards while others of us were loved as though we'd been conceived by our adopted parents.

It's not only our stories that need to be told. So many birthmothers want and need to share their stories. Some became pregnant from a one night stand. Some were date raped. Some were raped by a close family friend or relative. Some were raped by a stranger. Some were in love but unable to care for the child they conceived. Despite how they became pregnant, these birthmothers loved their unborn child enough to give birth to them and then give them away to parents who could give them a life the birthmothers felt they were unable to provide. This is more of the story from the brave and selfless woman who I am proud to call my biological mother:

Previously, I wrote the basic story of me being pregnant at 14. To keep it from being too long I didn't go into detail about how it really affected me, my parents & my brother. I'll start with me first. I already explained how I was too afraid to tell my parents. I really didn't want my friends to know either because I was so embarrassed that this had happened to me. I didn't tell anyone. I kept all this to myself & had to deal with it on my own. I wanted so badly to be able to talk to someone. I didn't have any friends I could trust not to spread it all over school. You know how people are with news like that. You tell someone & ask them not to tell anyone else. They tell someone but say "don't tell her I told you & don't tell anyone else". Then they do the same thing & it's all over the school. It was so hard not to have anyone to confide in.

When my parents found out, they went to the school to meet with the principal. Between the three of them they decided it would be best for me to be tutored from home. One of the history teachers came to my house a couple of times a week & helped me so I could pass the 9th grade & start high school the next year. I'm not sure how everyone found out, but it didn't take it long for it to get around school. My parents still made me go to church & I hated it because I felt like some kind of freak show. Some of the kids from school would go to our church just to see me. I never understood why. Pure curiosity or maybe so they could go back & tell everyone they saw me? At first there wasn't much to see because I wasn't showing much. I heard everyone was shocked that I was six months along because I didn't even look pregnant. Maybe that's why they went to church… to see if it was true.

It was a lonely 3 months being home all day alone & no one to talk to. Even when my parents came home we would talk about other things but we never talked about my condition. No one, including my mom, told me not to eat all day or to rub lotion on my tummy. Yep, you guessed it. I gained almost 50 pounds in 3 months & ended up with stretch marks. I had a couple of friends that were there for me & would come visit but they didn't know about stuff like that. That's why it sucks for so many young girls. The guys don't have to go through all the weight gain, stretch marks, labor & delivery.

The last 3 months seemed to go on forever. I can remember everyday wishing it was over. I was scared of actually having to go to the hospital & going through the pain. During the last month the Dr. told us he was going to do a spinal so I wouldn't feel anything from the waist down. He said it would be a lot easier on me since I was so young. The night my water broke I went in & woke my parents up. I remember feeling panicked. After the baby was born I had to lay flat on my back for 24 hours after the spinal or they said I would get a migraine. All I could do was stare at the ceiling. Like I said in the other post, I wanted so badly to go to the nursery & see the baby but couldn't. Walking out of the hospital empty & going home just felt so strange.

When school started back I was so scared to go. I didn't know how everyone was going to treat me. It was scary enough starting high school, but to go back after what I'd gone through was even worse. I remember some people whispering but after a few months most of the people I knew were over it & acted like nothing happened. They treated me like everyone else.

My parents, I'm sure, had a harder time than they let me know. I know they had to be embarrassed to go to work & church & face everybody with a 14 year old pregnant daughter. All their friends seemed to be there for them. I will never forget one of their friends, Mrs. V., would come & get me every once in a while & take me to the park where we would just walk around & talk. She was the sweetest lady! I saw her in January at the hospital after my son & his wife had their baby. I told her that my daughter & I had been reunited & she said she had heard from one of my friends. She was so happy for me. My parents never talked about how it affected them. I know my mom had it harder because of circumstances I can't go into. There are people that might read this that I don't want to hurt. They didn't plan on telling my grandparents, aunts & uncles but my mom's mom & sister called & said they were coming for a visit. My mom's side of the family ended up knowing but my dad's never knew. My dad told his sister (his other sister passed away) after my daughter & I were reunited. She was shocked but okay with it. I just realized I haven't asked him if he told his brother that lives out west. Once my daughter, Katie, contacted me I was a little afraid to call my dad & tell him. Like I said it was never talked about in our house again. My dad was in shock at first but then he said if I'm happy, he's happy. He even asked me for her phone number so he could call her. Now I was the one shocked! Once he met her he fell in love with her. My mom is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed young and had just retired the year before at age 65. I was devastated. She had worked her whole life & when she retired she wasn't even going to get to enjoy her retirement. I regret so much we didn't find each other before she got this horrible disease. She would have loved her, too. Katie went to the nursing home to meet her and Mom just kept staring at her. We think she thinks Katie is me since she looks like me.

My brother is 2 years younger than me and had just started junior high. It was hard for him because some of the kids would say stuff to him about having a pregnant sister. He told me that he got into a couple of fights. He never talked to me back then about it but I guess he talked to my parents. I don't know what he went through or how he felt but I know it had to be very hard. Guys just starting junior high want to fit in, not have to defend themselves from circumstances out of their control. He did act a little different towards me for a long time but I can't blame him. It wasn't fair that he had to go through that at a young age either. When I called him to tell him Katie found me, he said the same thing as our dad. He welcomed Katie with open arms, too. So did his wife & kids. They email and text each other often.

As for my other kids, Katie has already talked about them. Yeah, they were shocked to find out their mom had a baby so young & they had another sister. I'm sure my son wishes she'd had been a boy since he's already got 3 sisters. lol. Just kidding. He loves his big sis. They're more alike than the girls. They both have ADD and like to show their unchewed food. I did teach him better manners! I'm sure Katie's mom did too. lol. In final, I thank God that my family is now COMPLETE. I got Katie a cake that had that written on it. She has been welcomed with loving & open arms by all of us. My husband refers to her as one of his daughters. I think he even got teary eyed the day we met seeing how ecstatic I was. l missed you Angel & I am so happy to have you back with me! I love you very much!

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