My second chance

I grew up with two grandparents. My mom's mom (Grandma) and my dad's dad (Pop). They lived in Indiana and we lived in Florida so I usually only saw them once a year. When my sisters and I were younger, my parents would get us up in the middle of the night to begin the long drive up north (it gave them a few hours of peace and quiet). I loved going at Christmas because that meant snow. My sisters and I would build snowmen together and have snowball fights. We spent as much time outside as we could because it never snowed in Florida. We'd stay at Grandma's house and Pop would always come over and visit with us. I used to think Grandma and Pop should get married since they were both single and lived alone. I know now, Grandma would have killed him. They were polar opposites.

Grandma and I had a special bond. My parents lost their eight year old son when he was hit by a teenage driver while walking home from a friend's house. My grandfather had a weak heart already and losing his only grandson was more than he could take. My mom lost her son and father. Grandma lost her grandson and husband. Knowing they couldn't replace their son but wanting another child, my parents decided to adopt a baby. They got me. My mom has told me that I saved Grandma's life. She was near to having a nervous breakdown after her losses. She looked pretty rough the first time she saw me. After that first visit, we were inseparable. Well, as much as we could be living in different states. When we visited her, I slept in her bed snuggled up next to her. When she visited us, she'd stay in my room with me on a cot. We'd drive my mom crazy talking late into the night. I was only in elementary school but apparently had a lot to talk about. As my sisters grew older, my mom and I would fly to Indiana to visit. When I was in junior high Grandma developed Alzheimer's and moved in with us. I spent as much time with her as I could. Then Pop moved in as well when I was in 9th grade. I loved spending time with both of them after school and on the weekends. Eventually, Grandma had to be moved to a nursing home. I'd visit her after school sometimes but it was heart wrenching. I'd have to keep reminding her who I was. I knew she wouldn't make it to see me get married but I just wanted her to see me graduate from high school. She passed away a month before graduation. I was devastated. I'd lost other relatives but I was younger, they were older, and I didn't know them as well. I still miss her greatly. Pop survived long enough to see my two oldest children. I remember the last time I saw him. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me, almost like he knew it would be the last time I'd see him.

A year ago, I got a second chance at having grandparents. No one can ever replace Grandma and Pop, but I am able to get to know the people who are my flesh and blood. My biological mom called her dad and told her that I'd found her. He asked if she was happy. When she replied that she was, he told her then he was happy, too. I remember my first phone conversation with PaPaw. I was in the parking lot at Publix the kids restless in the backseat. It was awkward at first but soon with both began telling stories and getting to know each other. I still have the envelope where I'd written down bits and pieces of our conversation that I didn't want to forget. It was difficult to learn that his wife, my Nanny, had Alzheimer's. Not again, I thought. I've seen Nanny a few times and she stares at me with a big smile on her face. My kids believe she thinks I'm funny looking. I believe she thinks I'm my bio mom. I've visited PaPaw several times since our first meeting and we get along great. While my birth wasn't under the best of circumstances, he loves me just as he loves his other grandkids.

I'm also getting to know my biological dad's parents. They are a cute little couple and I quickly discovered that my overly tall kids didn't get their height from my side of the family. Our first meeting was awkward but went well. They gave me a hug when they walked in and I shared my baby book with them so they could see what a cute kid I was. Like the rest of the family, they have welcomed me with open arms. We are getting to know each other through emails and family get togethers.

Most people don't get second chances in their lives. I sometimes wonder what made me so special that I did. Grandma and Pop will always be in my heart but for now, I'm able to spend time with PaPaw, Nanny, Grammy, and Poppa. They are my second chance.

My Mother's Day

It's getting close to Mother's Day! Have you decided what you're going for you mom this year?

I have friends who no longer have their mom to honor, to talk to, or to hug. I feel very blessed to still have my mom, my biological mom, my mother-in-law, and my "round about step-mom" (my biological dad's e-wife and mother of one of my 1/2 sisters). I try hard not to take this for granted and cherish every moment I have with all four of these women.

Last year was my first Mother's Day with my biological mom. We got together at her dad's house and had lunch with the family. She gave me a beautiful card and gift set that says, "Daughter, You are a joy to cherish and treasure." I keep it in a glass cabinet where I can see it every day. I gave her a dried carnation from Jacob's grave. Losing him prompted us to step-up my search for my biological family and eventually find them.

This year, a mom website that I joined is hosting a contest for members. We can nominate one mom, including ourselves, by submitting a picture and explanation in 75 words or less explaining why that mom deserves to win. Three Grand Prize Winners will receive a spa package courtesy of Skin Deep Spatique. or Level2 Aveda SalonSpa in Hyde Park Village. Two Runner-ups will receive a Happy Hour Detox Ion Foot bath for two and gift basket from Skin Deep Spatique! The winner and a friend! I went back and forth trying to decide which of my moms to choose, my mom or my biological mom. I struggled for several days then finally decided to choose my mom (maybe they'll do another one next year!).

I sat down and started putting together little phrases trying to sum up my mom in less than 75 words. After an hour, this is what I wrote:

My mom did what no mom should ever have to do, buried her 8 year old son after he was hit by a car; adopted me; took care of my grandma who had Alzheimer's; "retired" after years of teaching Kindergarten & being a principal; subs full-time; Nana of 8; held my Angel before & after he died; did what no mom should ever have to do, held her daughter as she buried her own son.

I can't read it or think about it without crying. I called my mom last night to tell her about entering her in the contest. Before I could finish, she cut me off telling me she didn't deserve it as all she does is work. This is why I believe she deserves a day to herself. She never thinks about herself. Any accomplishment she achieves, she downplays. My mom is a beautiful person inside and out. She's an amazing woman, a loving and supportive wife, an intelligent human being, and was always there for me and my two sisters. Still is. She's become one of my best friends. I told her that I was not going to read what I had written to her because she would cry (as would I). However, after viewing the comments other moms have left under my entry, I've decided to make her a gift. I'm going to print out my entry, add the comments my friends have left, as well as a copy of this post. I want her to see how I see her and how others view her even though they've never met her. I hope she wins the spa day, but I know that she will appreciate reading the words so much more.

So what are you going to do for your mom this Mother's Day?

I'm an illigitimate kid with no name and no dad

At least that's what an official document I received in the mail last week said. That's right! For those of you who have been hanging by a thread with me impatiently awaiting the arrival of my original birth certificate (OBC), it arrived! Finally!

Hubby was in the car on his way to run errands when I went out to check the mail. As soon as I saw the letters DCF on the envelope, I started jumping up and down with excitement! This is only the second time I've had this reaction in dealing with DCF, the first time being when I received my non-identifying information.

I tore it open and showed it to Hubby. He looked at it and said, "Now you have a certified document that says you have no name!" I swatted him and waved good-bye anxious to call my bio mom. She was so excited and we wound up talking for two hours!

It felt so good to hold my OBC in my hands. This was the second to last piece of a seemingly never-ending puzzle. The only thing left is to go to court and attempt to have the records opened. I'm really hoping we are able to, especially since all parties involved are in full support.

What's the difference in an OBC and an Amended Birth Certificate (ABC)? A lot! My first and middle name on my OBC are blank (thus the "no name"). It only has the last name of my bio mom. My ABC has the middle and first name my adoptive parents chose for me and their last name. My OBC lists the name of the hospital where I was born and the doctor who delivered me. On my ABC, the name and city the hospital was in were left blank (which is dumb because my parents were told the name of the hospital), there is no space for a doctor's name. On the OBC, my bio dad's information was left blank (bio grandfather filled it out, didn't much care for bio dad), thus the "no dad." The OBC has bio mom's full name, age at the time of my birth (14) and her address. The ABC has my adopted parents names and places of birth as well as their address. My OCB has a lovely little space to check "yes" or "no" as to whether the child was legitimate or not. Mine, obviously, says no, thus the "illegitimate." In the "confidential information" which is only on my OBC, it has the my bio mom's race (dad's was left blank), that the eye goop was put in my eyes (10 minutes after my birth), as well as the drug used in delivery (silver nitrate 1%-spinal block), and that bio mom was tested for syphilis with the date of the test. Both certificates have the date and time of my birth. One thing I thought was odd, my birth weight was on the OBC but not ABC even though my parents knew how much I weighed (they must have had a good lawyer!). Both certificates were processed on the same day and signed by the same registrar. I was surprised to see that the OBC listed me as a girl as my bio grandparents were told I was a boy and bio mom's friend saw a couple leaving the hospital with a baby in a blue blanket (she thought it was me with my parents). Needless to say, they were all surprised to discover I was a girl!

So, what's so exciting about getting my OBC? If you're not adopted, you already have yours. It was given to you with no hassle at all. Adoptees are not as lucky. Ours are filled out, usually only partially, then sealed tighter than Fort Knox. Why? Because it has our birth mother's name on it. We're not allowed to have that information. Lawmakers, most of which have never had any dealings with adoption what-so-ever have decided they are protecting the birth mothers, mostly. The problem with this is that most birth mothers don't want to be protected. It's like having a two-way mirror with the government standing in the middle. Adoptees are on one side searching for their BM's with the government telling them they (the gov't) is protecting the BM's. Birth mothers who want to find their babies are on the other side and being told the government is protecting the babies and their adoptive families. I admit there are certain situations where either the adoptee or BM doesn't want to be found. This irks the hell out of me but some adoptees were never told by their adopted parents that they were adopted (most find out eventually and it rarely ever turns out positively). Unfortunately, some BM's become pregnant after being raped and don't want those emotions to resurface. So when an adoptee receives his/her OBC, it's yet another step to closure, especially if they are lucky receive it before they've found their BM. This could be the invaluable piece of information they need to locate her.

What are the best states to have been adopted in?

Alabama- 18+ can receive OBC and records
Delaware- 21+ can receive OBC
Kansas- only full access state that has never sealed any adoption records (Go Kansas!)
Maine- allows OBC
Massachusetts- 18+ can receive OBC if they were born before July 17, 1974 (records were sealed after that date)
New Hampshire- 18+ can receive OBC
Oregon- can receive OBC
http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/state.php

According to Bastard Nations, Alaska, Oregon, Kansas, Alabama, New Hampshire, and Maine are the only US states where adult adoptees have unrestricted access to their own original birth records. http://www.bastards.org/

With help from the Internet, searching is becoming easier for some adoptees and BM's to reunite. Resources that weren't available at the beginning of my search are helping to bring families together with more ease. I signed up with every free search website I could find. The most important one is ISRR (International Search Reunion Registry). I signed up by mail shortly after I turned 18 and updated it with new addresses every few years. This is the biggest registry available and has been successful in many reunions. It only works if both adoptee and birth mother or family members sign up. Many times biological siblings sign up usually after the mother passes away.

I owe my reunion to the Yahoo Group Soaring Angels. Someone, somewhere in the depths of DCF hell had a heart and felt sorry for me after learning I'd lost my son to Trisomy 18. The problem was, my information got lost in their massive shuffle of paperwork. Well, either that or some uncompassionate asshole decided I shouldn't have my biological parents’ names and tossed it in File 13. I believe it worked out for the best, though, in receiving my information last year. My 1/2 siblings were all older and better able to handle the news of a long lost sister. Though one brother thought it was a great April Fool's Joke. Sorry, bro, I’m real!

Here are, in my opinion, the best reunion registries:

http://www.isrr.net/
http://reunion.adoption.com/ (this is the best site for all things adoption)
http://www.adoptflorida.com/Reunion-Registry.htm (for Florida adoptions)
http://www.cyndislist.com/adoption.htm (has a list of more great sites)
http://www.adopteeconnect.com/p/a/1/aq/r/10/10
http://www.bastards.org/ (this is an adoption rights organization and they have some very strong views)

My bio mom recently filled out the ISRR form and mailed it in. We're waiting to see if we're a match! I thought it would be interesting to test their success. I'll let you know if we're a match!

Spa day for The Bus....and a Toot Toot for Britax car seats

Today is just a silly, absolutely no meaning what-so-ever completely stupid post. There is so much craziness going on with the Swine Flu, I thought everyone needed a break to read something just to get your mind off the outside world. So, if you don't want to read this, it won't hurt my feelings! I have another sinus headache and am trying not to think more than I have to. :)

On Sunday, The Bus got a full spa treatment. Due to strange smells coming from the inside, I figured it was overdue. I absolutely love The Bus. I wanted one even before we had the other half of our kids. Once Carson came along, it just made sense to buy something bigger than a two door Monte Carlo. Wow, was that a beautiful car . Anyway, the first time the kids rode in The Bus I very firmly stated that there would be no eating or drinking inside the vehicle. The next day we went through the drive thru at Wendy's. Since then, it has seen its share of french fries, hamburgers, soda, chicken nuggets, fried fish, ice cream, soda, milk, pop tarts, soda, chips, pizza, whatever we had for dinner but didn't have time to eat, pudding, soda, and juice, oh, and soda. Did I say soda? Just wanted to make sure.

Step one in cleaning out The Bus is the one thing I hate the most. This is why I don't do it. Child labor laws don't apply to cleaning out their own trash and toys from my truck, do they? I hope not! Source one of the smell was a sippy cup which is supposed to be spill proof. Apparently not once the milk has soured. Blech! Reyna and her friend did a pretty good job of cleaning the inside, so I let them wash the outside. They are so fired. I think it looked better before they washed it! Missed spots, water spots, dried on soap. At least they didn't expect to get paid.

Step two is removing two car seats which is a pain in the ass. Fifteen years ago, a car seat was only held in by the seatbelt. Now, they are held in by the seatbelt, two clips in the seat, and a clip behind the seat which is bolted to the floor.

Commercial break!! When I was preggo with Maisie a friend of mine asked me to research car seats as her baby was ready to be out of an infant car seat. She wanted to know what the safest car seat was. I spent a few days looking up several different brands and reading reviews. In the end, I told her Britax came out on top. After reading about it I decided that I wanted one. The only thing I didn't like about Britax was the price. $300 seemed a bit much for a car seat but how can you put a price on your child's safety? I convinced Hubby to buy one for Maisie but Carson could use it until she was old enough, we chose the Marathon model. The first time my father-in-law moved the car seat to his car, he was hooked and would never buy a different brand of car seat. The Marathon holds kids from 5-65 pounds and less than 49 inches. Eventually we'll have to upgrade to the Frontier which is a booster seat and holds bigger kids from 25-80 pounds and 42-60 inches. At least the Frontier is only $280!

Ok, so I got the car seats out. I drug my crappy vacuum cleaner outside and spent the next 20 minutes vacuuming every nook and cranny I could fit the hose in. I would say that my vacuum cleaner sucked but, well, it doesn't which is the problem. Then I spent the next hour steam cleaning the middle seats and floor. This is why I kept mentioning "soda" earlier. The only time we drink soda is when we go through a drive-thru. I don't know how, but my children manage to get it under their car seats and on to the floor. I get the floor, but under their seats? Are they that clumsy and I don't know about it? There must have been a two liter of soda soaked into my seats! After doing the middle row, I gave up.

I cleaned the windows and wiped down all the surfaces with Armor All so it was all pretty and shiny. Then I discovered the second reason for the smell. You see, when you leave a paper cup of soda sitting for a long period of time, it eats away at the paper. Kind of makes you wonder what it does to your insides. After soaking through the paper, it drips down into one of the many cup holders The Bus has. I laugh when the highly educated person at the drive-thru window asks me if I need a cup holder. Ummm, no thanks, I have eight. So, soda which has dripped into the cup holder seeps under the "protective" rubber barrier which holds the cup. Then, it becomes a science experiment. I'm usually very good about making sure that cups come out of my truck which is why I'm not embarrassed to admit I had a science experiment. Plus, I have four kids so it's not expected to be spotless.

Now, The Bus is clean on the inside and out. It's not perfect but it's clean and it smells like vanilla. The Bus is very happy now and thoroughly enjoyed his day at the spa.

Have you treated your vehicle to a spa day recently?

The Pancake Story

At the beginning of the Sexy by Summer contest one of my first steps was paying attention to serving sizes and calories. One morning I decided to make pancakes, or panacakes as my kids call them. I don't know about most people, but my pancakes are kind of big. Not McDonald's or IHOP big, but big according to the package directions, of which I am know aware of. I've also been known to create certain shapes like hearts, butterflies, caterpillars, the ever popular Mickey Mouse (the waffle iron is way cooler, though!) and the kid's initials. Yes, some of us are more talented than others. :)

I made the kid's pancakes, then decided to read, and follow, the serving size for Hungry Jack Complete pancakes (this means I only have to add water which makes the directions less complicated, hahaha). In case you are a new follower I feel I should inform you that I was diagnosed with Adult ADD 3 years ago which makes it difficult to read and comprehend directions (among various other problems). I was also off of Adderall at the time. I looked at the box and read that the serving size was a "3-4 inch pancake" so this is what I made myself. In the back of my mind I was thinking it was a bit odd that it was 3-4" and not 3" or 4"-- as in Hungry Jack should just pick one.

After my tiny little circle was finished, I put it on a plate and stared at it. I looked at Reyna and asked "That's it?" She shrugged as a typical tween would when their crazy mom asks them an extremely difficult question at the bright and early time of 10:30 AM. I smeared a dab of "butter" over my minuscule saucer and added a Tbsp of syrup. It took all of about 30 seconds to devour. I tried to make it last longer but the syrup was quickly absorbing into the itty bitty round dollop. Thus was the end of my perfectly measured breakfast.

Ummmmm, perfect? Not so much. After eating my fairy sized panacake, I decided to take another look at the serving size. Yes, here comes the punchline.....

....it says "3 4-inch pancakes." Who knew misplacing a simple little dash could make such a huge difference?

This serving size makes much more sense as I sit here with a box of Hungry Jack, a tub of Parkay (I know, Kris, it's fake butter), and a bottle of Log Cabin syrup. A 1/4 cup of syrup does seem a bit much for one 3-4" pancake.

3 4-inch pancakes- 150 calories
1/4 cup syrup- 210 calories 1
Tbsp Parkay- 70 calories
Seriously shorting yourself on breakfast...priceless
(sorry, I couldn't resist)


Slacker Fattie tip- Yesterday's exercise consisted of 30 minutes on the mini-trampoline and 2 30 minutes at Club Clean.

Sexy Meal Plan- egg whites, 1/2 c oatmeal for breakfast; a strawberry NutriGrain bar as a snack; grilled chicken breast with grilled broccoli, zucchini, and brussel sprouts for lunch; an apple for a snack; and chicken, cheddar cheese, onion, green pepper, tomato quesadillas for dinner.

Waist Watchers countdown- 12 days
Sexy by Summer countdown- 49 days

The Walk

Today was the March of Dimes walk. I got up at 6:05 AM, ate a strawberry NutriGrain bar (I know it's not on my meal plan, get over it), loaded the wagon in the back of The Bus, put in the coolie bag I'd packed last night, woke Reyna up, then woke Carson and Maisie up and put them in their carseats. I almost forgot the directions which would have been bad since I had no idea where I was going. Surprisingly, we left right on time at 6:30. Sleepy-head Kelly decided she was going to stay home.

The drive over to Clearwater was beautiful. There was hardly any traffic, the sun was just rising up over the water, and the weather was gorgeous. I surprised myself by making it to the walk without getting lost or having to turn around 20 times. Many of the homes along Bayshore Blvd were dreamy and Reyna and I enjoyed pointing out our favorites. To my surprise, we arrived right on time beating the Tampabaymomslikeme.com coordinator, Liz, by 5 minutes. We loaded the kids up and headed for the tent area.

It was great to see the many different teams that busnisses, friends, and families had formed. Publix had the largest team by far with Wachovia coming in second. At the registration booth, I was able to pick up my free purple T-shirt since I'd raised $100 which was double my goal! This was due to the generosity of my biological dad and my 2 sisters-in-law, thank you all sooo much! Liz and I met up with another TMLM mom, Sabrina, who had her mom and baby with her. A little bit later another mom, Jessie, arrived with her 12 year old daughter (she's the reason I dragged Reyna along, haha).

We all had on our white TMLM shirts and were ready to go! Everyone lined up and began walking while we waved to a Fox News cameraman who was filming the start of the walk. We quickly reached the first check point which was so crowded I have no idea what was there. The next one had bananas and orange juice so we all stopped to get some. The third check point had American Flags which Reyna and her new friend grabbed and stuck in their hair. We missed out on the Cracker Jacks but did sign up to win Rays baseball tickets at the halfway mark! We walked and chatted the whole time and I found I had a lot in common with the Jessie, the mom of the 12 year old. Apparently we walked a bit too slow for Liz, Sabrina and Sabrina's mom because they kept getting way ahead of us.

Before we knew it, we were back at the start line and it was just after 9:00. Jessie had another activity to get to so we said good-bye. The rest of us headed for Main Street where we found a little Greek restaurant that served breakfast all day. Chatter was contstant as we exchanged "mom"stories, laughed, and had a wonderful time.

One by one we went our separate ways. It was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday morning. We raised money for a worthy cause and made some new friends.

Slacker Fattie tip- Get involved with a local charity or organization. It's good for the soul to do something for someone othan yourself or your family. Volunteering is good for the soul.

Sexy Meal Plan tip- Make sure you eat a healthy meal before starting a walk or marathon. Don't forget to stay hydrated during the event as well. The banana and oj (though not on my meal plan) gave me the energy I needed to complete the 3 mile walk.

Water....drink it....a LOT

Well, at least if you are exercising and trying to lose weight. This is something I've had to learn the hard way. When I first started Waist Watchers some of you may remember that I tried a boot camp. Not only did Brittney kick my ass (I was sore for 3 days), I had a nightmare of a headache for 2 days. I tried upping my water intake the next day as well as taking Goody's headache powder (yeah, it's disgusting but it works good and works fast!). I was too late. I've had this problem on more than one occasion while pushing myself to do high intensity cario workouts. Apparently I'm a slow learner.

For the Sexy by Summer contest, we have a nutritionist that we can send questions to (she's a lot more than just a nutritionist, though). I told her that I did my Go Go Dancing DVD and developed a headache about an hour after. It became progressively worse and by bedtime was a full blown sinus headache. I tried 2 Sudafed pills, Goody's, and Afrin, holding a hot, wet washcloth over my nose, and sticking my head over my steamer pot on the stove. I finally gave up and fell asleep.

Yesterday, the headache was still there but the sinus part had gone. I asked the nutritionist if she had any advice. The first thing she mentioned was dehydration. Yes, I whacked my hand on my forehead! Duh! So for the rest of the day, I made sure I was drinking plenty of water. I took it easy to, choosing to tote my iPod around boogieng while cleaning and trying to keep my calories low. I don't have time to take a day off resting anymore.

I feel much better today though I still have a lingering headache. I think I should have started with something a little lower impact than the Go Go Dancing after taking a week off. I needed to rebuild my stamina and up my water intake. Lesson learned!

If you are just beginning an excersie program remember to start off slow. If you throw yourself into a high intensity workout, you'll most likely wind up sore, exhausted, and discouraged. I started by walking every day. After a couple of weeks I would jog in short spurts, eventually jogging through entire songs (which was my goal for myself since I'm not into running long distances). After doing that routine for a couple of weeks, I started doing my old Tae Bo tape, then Core Rhythms, and now Go Go Dancing. I started taping the higher intensity workouts on FitTV this week wanting to work up to them. I'm almost back to square one but am pushing myself to get back up to the level I was at, then exceeding it!

Thank goodness for Zepherhills! I feel fortunate that our family is more of a water drinking family than soda and Kool-Aid. Carson and Maisie live off of whole milk and juice, though, but they didn't even notice when I switched to 50% less sugar. We all drink soda sometimes but not nearly as much as I did when I was younger. I was a caffine addict and would get severe headaches if I went too long without a Coke.

So drink lots of water! There are several debates on how much you should drink. I shoot for six 8 oz glasses, but am trying to exceed that to try and diminish these darn headaches!

Slacker Fattie tip- After my over-zealous Go Go Dancing workout, I switched to boogieing at least 15-20 minutes at a time, 5 times yesterday. It really does make cleaning and cooking much more fun!

Sexy Meal Plan tip- Breakfast was 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 cup strawberries, one packet of Truvia, and 2 egg whites seasoned with Mrs. Dash. Snack was a bite sized Snickers and 5 red jelly beans (what? They're not on my meal plan? Whoops!). Lunch was lean steak, grilled onions and a cup of brown rice (rice-blech). Snack was an apple (yay!). Dinner was a whole wheat tortilla, grilled chicken breast, grilled onions, zucchini, eggplant, broccoli, and brussel sprouts (leftover from yesterday's lunch) with 1/2 cup Cheddar (sorry, Cheller!). Before bed Carson brought me more red jelly beans....I HAD to eat them, he picked them out just for me!

The March of Dimes

This month thousands of people will be walking and donating funds to promote The March of Dimes. Just last weekend, Nicole Kidman and Kelly Clarkson walked in Nashville.

The purpose of The March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies through education, community services, and research. Their goal is to reduce the number of premature births, birth defects, and infant deaths.

Their website has an immense amount of information for people who are thinking about becoming pregnant, are already pregnant, or are raising a newborn. I was amazed at the amount of information they had. Some of the tabs they have are Before You're Pregnant, During Your Pregnancy, Complications, Labor and Deliver, Caring and Safety for your Baby, Just for Dads. There are Special Features such as information on Folic Acid, Newborn Screening Tests, Birth Defects & Genetics, and Pregnancy & Newborn Loss.

Over 460,000 premature babies are born each year. Many will not survive, some will continue to have health problems their whole lives, and few will have no lasting effects at all. Sometimes, the premature birth can be prevented but many times there is no known cause.

The March of Dimes is also involved in Genetic Research using gene therapy to treat a few genetic birth defects. Another cause dear to them is trying to make sure all families have health insurance. Millions of pregnant mothers and children do not receive regular checkups, immunizations, or treatment for illnesses due to no health insurance.

By donating, you can help The March of Dimes continue to provide local services, education, and support their research.

This Saturday, April 25, 2009 I will be walking with other moms from our local Momslikeme.com site, Tampabaymomslikeme.com, to help raise funds and awareness for The March of Dimes. I signed up late so set a small goal of $50 for myself. I've already reached my goal so I am not asking for donations. If you would like to donate you can click here.

I was very fortunate to give birth to 4 healthy full term children and one Angel. My second child, Jacob, was born with Trisomy 18. Nothing could have been done to prevent this and there is no history of genetic defects in either my or Hubby's families. I have friends who have lost babies during their pregnancies and a few who have had premature babies. I will be walking for them and for all the future moms and babies.

No tips today. Just find one of your children or a loved one, give them a hug, and let them know how grateful you are that they are in your life.

Mommy, you're mean!

This is what I heard today as I was fixing my darling 5 year old son, Carson, his favorite sandwich – jelly. When I added a Jell-o fruit cup, animal crackers, and low sugar apple juice, I heard it again.

Why am I so mean? Because after spending almost two hours on the computer, I thought it was time for a break. It was also lunchtime and we have a "no food or drinks at the computer rule" (which, of course, doesn't apply to me).

Instead of sitting down with his little sister and eating the sandwich he must have at least twice a day, he sat behind me and kicked whatever toys were in front of him screaming "It's not fair!" Since I've been a grown-up for almost half my life, I really wanted to yell back "Life's not fair!" But, seeing as he's only a little boy, I simply suggested he eat his lunch and when he's finished, he can go back to playing.

Eventually, he was distracted by Noggin's new show Toot and Puddle… well, for a minute anyway. Then I heard, "I thought you were going to be a nice mommy." This from the cute munchkin who, three hours ago, was sitting on my lap as we read stories and did workbooks to get him ready for Kindergarten. Am I always this good of a mommy? No. But lately I've been trying harder and today is one of those "I'm being a good mommy" days. At least to me. Carson, however, has a completely different opinion.

It could be worse. He could be the kid of a mom who was recently arrested for threatening to kill her kids:

"Brinkley (the mom) became upset because the children were tired and would not answer questions about their day. Brinkley threatened to leave since no one cared about her. When no one reacted, she asked the children if they "loved mommy”. After Esposito (the dad) told the children to go into the computer room, the mother picked up a small glass table and threw it at them. When Brinkley began crying, the children ran after her. In the report from the Marion County Sheriff's Office, that's when Brinkley grabbed a butcher knife, held it in an attack position and said, "I'm just going to kill you mother [expletive]." When they did not answer, she began yelling obscenities."

Ummmm, yeah, THAT would make me want to love my mommy. Some people just shouldn't be parents!

I think maybe I'll remember this tactic the next time Kelly, who is 15, decides her life is horrible and she wants to live somewhere else.

Slacker Fattie Tip - Until the end of Waist Watchers, I'll be posting here, what exercises I did the previous day...honestly...even though I may REALLY want to embellish.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip - For the next two weeks, you'll get to read what I ate the day before. Aren't you lucky!

Waist Watchers countdown – 15 days
Sexy by Summer countdown- 54 days

Last Chance Workout

The Biggest Loser contestants get a Last Chance Workout before they weigh in for the week. My last 16 days of the Waist Watchers Contest is my Last Chance Workout.

I had to take some time off from exercising and blogging but am back and ready to get this contest over with and get these last 10 pounds off. I was shocked to get on the scale Sunday and see that I was still at 120.6. Somehow I was able to maintain my weight even though I wasn't sticking to my meal plan or exercising. I'm not going to take advantage of major miracle.

It's only 9:00 in the morning and I've already done my first workout. I did the Quick Workout from the Core Rhythms DVD set. It's 20 minutes but I did it holding on to one pound weights. My arms are already sore from tackling the bushes and pepper tree in front of my house yesterday plus the 30 push-ups I did last night. I'm sweating, my heart rate is up and I'm eating a healthy banana (which I just realized is NOT on my meal plan, whoops!).

It's definitely crunch time and I need some major support. Comment me, email me, text me (those of you who have my number and no I'm NOT giving it out to the world, LOL). Make sure I'm not sneaking in foods that aren't on my meal plan. Ask if I've done my morning, afternoon, or evening workout. I've been unable to get to the gym because Hubby has been out of town a lot so I'm on my own at home.

Unlike Laura on TBL, I don't have a hip fracture and I don't have knee or health problems like Ron so I have no excuses to not do my three 30 minute cardios… PLUS! strength training every other day. I do have arthritis in my knees from dancing the first half of my life but I'm going to live on Motrin the next two weeks and follow my awesome trainer’s advice "Suck it up!" I hate that I haven't been able to train with Douglas in a long time but will never forget the giant kick in the ass he gave me in the beginning. I have not allowed Slacker Fattie back in my life for a few weeks and I'm hoping that means the Skinny Bitch is here to stay. I don't ever want to look like I did back in the beginning. And speaking of beginnings, I'm kicking it old school, as Kelly would say, and posting my Sexy Meal Plan again so you can see what I had to do to lose the first 20 pounds and what I MUST do to lose the last 10 pounds:

The Sexy Meal Plan (formerly The Dreaded Meal Plan)
Group A- Proteins
egg whites (2), 4 oz hormone free turkey breast, 4 oz wild caught white fish, 1 medium free-range chicken breast, 4oz hormone free round steak, 1/2 can wild caught tuna, 1/2 scoop natural whey isolate protein powder, 4 oz hormone free London broil, 4 oz hormone free lean ground beef (4%), 4 oz ostrich (where the hell am I supposed to find ostrich?)
Group B- Complex Carbs (organic)
plain old-fashioned oatmeal 1/2 c cooked, 1/2 large sweet potato, 1/2 c cooked brown rice, 1/2 c cooked white rice (post workout only)
Group c- Simple Carbs (organic)
1/2 serving size
small apple, strawberries, black berries, blueberries, cherries, cantaloupe, oranges, raspberries
Group D- fibrous Carbs (organic)
serving size 1 cup
asparagus, brussels sprouts, cabbage, celery, squash, mushroom, peppers, okra, onions, broccoli, green beans, cauliflower, cucumber, lettuce, spinach, collards, zucchini, wheat grass


Meal 1 choose 1 each from group A,B,C
Meal 2 group A
Meal 3 groups A,B,D
Meal 4 group A
Meal five groups A,D
Meal 6 group A

Total Caloric intake-
Protein-250
Carbs-500
Fat- 90
Total-840


We'll see what happens in the last days of this contest!

Slacker Fattie Tip- I've said this before, life gets in the way. When you get things back on track you have two choices: 1. Go back to eating like crap and sitting on your ass getting fat again and probably fatter than you were to begin with or, 2. Go back to eating healthy and getting some form of exercise at least three times a week.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip- Over the past few months, I've modified my meal plan by allowing myself 1 Tbsp of a low calorie dressing so I would eat salads again. In my opinion, it's ok to allow small modifications every now and then. Just don't go overboard and add a cup of melted cheese to your grilled or steamed veggies ( because I definitely have NOT done that even once in the last few months).

I want to quit.......I refuse to give up

This was me this morning:

I want to quit. I really do. I'm so tired of counting calories, measuring portions, and eating healthy. I'm tired of trying to do three cardios in one day and never getting them all done. I'm tired of exercising, thinking of exercising, wishing I'd exercised more. I want to go back to eating what I want and sitting on my butt. I don't want to clean my house or do the endless piles of laundry. I hate this. I hate the struggle. Why does getting older have to suck so much? Where did the days go when I could sit by the pool in my size small bikini, drink a coke, and eat hot dogs and chips? When did my things double in size? Where did my bubble butt come from? Oh, wait, that's been there since I was a baby. Ok, then when did it get even bubblier? How did that muffin top get there?

This was my attitude this morning. This may seem similar to Slacker Fattie vs Skinny Bitch, but this is the struggle that I face every day. This is the struggle that everyone who is trying to lose weight deals with, everyday. Most people give up because it's hard. If it were easy, workouts would be called rest-ins. But it is work. It's hard work. Extremely hard. You have to want it bad enough to make the changes in your food choices and activities. Do I want it bad enough? Some days I do and some days I don't. This morning I wasn't just leaning on the "don't" side, I had jumped in head first. But that was an hour ago. As soon as I was finished telling myself that it was ok to quit, to give up, and to throw in the towel – I felt better.

So this is where I'm at now:

I refuse to give up. I'm tired of being fat (for me). I'm tired of not completing my 3 cardios a day. I'm tired of being lazy, of seeing the piles of laundry and dishes. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of cheating then feeling guilty. Getting older means I have to work harder to stay in shape. When I'm sitting by the pool in my bikini, I have to eat fruits and veggies with a glass of water. I can't let my thighs increase anymore, or my bubble butt. And that oh-so-attractive muffin top? It's gone. Yup, gone!

I took my kids to a theme park yesterday and it was chilly so I wore jeans. I noticed that they were looser in the legs and butt. Before putting my shirt on I looked in the mirror, no muffin top! Two months ago, I hated getting dressed to leave the house because none of my clothes fit right. My jeans were all too tight and looked horrible. I couldn't get my blouses buttoned and my t-shirts were all too snug. Most people would go buy bigger clothes. I refused to. I liked the clothes that I had and wanted them to fit again.

That is when I joined the weight loss competitions. I don't know if I'll win first prize for either Waist Watchers or Sexy by Summer, but I WILL win my body back. I WILL win back my self-esteem and self-confidence. I know I've said this before, but I need to say it whenever I fall off the horse – I want to do this. I need to do this. I can do this!

I don't know if I'll get in my 3 cardios today, but tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. Today, I'm concentrating on getting my house back in order. So I'm off to plug my iPod into my head and boogie down while cleaning up.

Slacker Fattie Tip – Sometimes you need to take a step back and reevaluate your life, your dreams, and/or your goals. It's ok to change them, just make sure you're making positive changes.

Sexy Meal Plan – The same goes for what you eat. Step back and look at what/how much you are eating. If you've stopped keeping a food journal you may need to start again. It's ok to change what you're eating as long as it's healthy.

The Other Side

I just finished a book called A Little Bit Engaged by Teresa Hill. Kate is an uptight professional who loves to make lists and fix everyone’s problems. Pastor Ben is young, his secretary thinks he lacks the skills to be a good pastor, and he tends to screw up when trying to help people. Kate falls for Ben when they team up to help 15 year old, Shannon, through her unplanned pregnancy. In the end, Shannon gives her baby to a young married couple who are unable to have children on their own. Kate and Ben surprise Shannon when they announce their engagement and their desire to adopt her because Shannon's mom and grandmother passed away and her dad kicked her out.

Adoption has been a large part of my life. I have a couple of friends who were adopted, I babysat for a family who adopted a little boy, and one of my sisters adopted a little girl. During the search for my biological parents I met-online-adoptees, birth mothers, biological siblings, and even a birth father. Every so often, on Soaring Angels, we'd see a reunion. Some went great, some were a disaster, and some would need time to work out.

The stories were heartbreaking. The desperation of children longing to find the parents who conceived them, mothers desperate to find the baby they cared for and nurtured for nine months, even a birth father who so desperately wants to hold his daughter. The laws are clear in most states. Adoption records are sealed. Period. In most states adoptees can receive non-identifying information. It's very vague but sometimes there is enough information to start a search. Searching is emotionally exhausting. Sometimes you get a lead, you get your hopes up, and then find yourself at yet another dead end. I've seen people who are still searching after thirty years. There are times when they do eventually find family members but are told their mother has passed away. In some instances, the biological family embraces the adoptee sharing stories of the woman who gave birth to them. In other instances, they are shunned.

Many adoptees have the support of their adopted families, like I did. However, I recently met a woman who does not have that support. Her brother was also adopted but he doesn't want to search for his biological family. Her mother is strongly against her searching. I admire her for being strong and going against what her mother wants. Fortunately, she has the support from her fiance who was also adopted.

Members from all sides of adoption are in support of opening records. At the very least, we would like to have our original birth certificates. I've jumped through hoops to get mine. I had to have a notarized form from myself, my parents, and my biological mom. I'm still waiting.

I'm not really sure I have a reason for this post. Thoughts started flowing after reading the book and I just started typing. I guess I'd like for people to be educated on the other side of adoption. Not the cute baby being placed in a loving home with a beautiful family, but the heartache many adoptees go through growing up not knowing where they came from and our struggles to find our biological parents. I'll touch on this again from time to time, further explaining aspects of adoption that most people are not aware of.

Slacker Fattie Tip – Go on a walk. While on your walk… jazz things up a bit. Skip, jog a few steps, stop and do jumping jacks, walk backwards (just watch where you’re going!). Walking is a great way to lose weight and jazzing it up will boost your results.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – This is kind of an odd tip, but one that works for me (it actually came from my friend, Kris). My family loves chocolate chip cookies – as do I – so they are often lying around calling out to me. Occasionally I give in and take a bite of one. I'll chew it for a few seconds, and then spit it out. Gross, I know, but it fed my craving and only allowed a few select calories to sneak in.


Waist Watchers Countdown - 29 days
Sexy by Summer Countdown - 62 days

Slacker Fattie vs Skinny Bitch

I'm at a darn plateau again. Or maybe it's that I sat around and ate junk two weekends ago. I did manage to work off the three pounds I gained. Seeing the scale at 121 was great but ticked me off at the same time. Had I NOT cheated, I'd finally be under 120 for the first time in six years. Rrrrrrr!!!!

I went into these two weight loss competitions ready to blow everyone out of the water. I told my trainer, Douglas, that whatever I needed to do, I'd do it. That was a very stupid statement. I thought doing three cardios a day would be a piece of cake. That was a very stupid thought. I think, in the last two months, I've completed three in one day once, maybe twice. I try to do at least one but sometimes even that doesn't happen. Why? Life gets in the way. I have four kids to take care of, laundry to do, food to cook, and dishes to wash. Bullshit. I'm lazy. I have plenty of time to exercise, I just choose not to.

I realized this one day then stopped to scold myself. No, I don't often talk to myself like some certain members of my family, but on this day, I did. Slacker Fattie was whining about not wanting to exercise. Skinny Bitch yelled back, "You must not want to win the competitions and have a great body as bad as you thought you did, huh?" I really don't like Slacker Fattie. She's a bore. She's lazy, likes to eat junk food, and really not much fun to be around. I like Skinny Bitch. She follows the Sexy Meal Plan, works out, and likes to have fun. She wants to go to South Beach for her birthday and look smokin' hot. There's a constant battle between those two. And yes, I'm perfectly aware that I sound like I have a multiple personality disorder. Being a Gemini, however, I actually do. So ha!

So what to do? Today, with a splitting sinus headache, Slacker Fattie wanted to go back to bed after she ate her Fruit Loops (bad Fattie!). Skinny Bitch took a Sudafed, some Goody's, then did the looooong version of Core Rhythms which is 50 minutes. Oh, and she ate an apple, yay! Even better, she had grilled broccoli and brussel sprouts for lunch.

I'm hoping Skinny Bitch will continue to prevail today despite this headache. May 6th is going to be here entirely too fast. I don't want it to come down to having a week left and saying, "Oh, shit!" I know I should be further along than I am, but I have to be proud of how far I've come. Losing 19 pounds in eight weeks isn't bad. You know what? It's pretty damn good!

Losing weight isn't easy. It's a damn hard job which is why so many people struggle. We don't want to do what it takes to lose the weight and then keep it off. It's so much easier to eat junk food and sit around on our butts. Those of us who choose to get off our asses and make healthy food choices, lose the weight and become healthier. We are the winners. Those of us who choose to be lazy and stuff our faces with food become fat and develop all different kinds of medical problems. We are the losers.

Which one do you want to be?

Slacker Fattie Tip – Stop creating excuses to not exercise. In the past eight weeks, I've exercised when I had a horrible cold, had excruciating menstrual cramps (sorry guys, but it's a fact of life), had a severe sinus headache, when I was depressed, when I was tired, and when I really, really, really just didn't want to. Skinny Bitch is winning and soon, Slacker Fattie will be gone forever.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – Eating breakfast is so important in losing weight. You need a healthy breakfast to jump start your metabolism and keep you energized for the rest of the day. Here's another great recipe from fitnessmagazine.com:

Vanilla Spice French Toast with Apple
Ingredients:
* 1 egg plus 2 egg whites
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* Dash each of cinnamon and nutmeg
* 2 pieces whole-grain bread
* 1/2 medium apple, sliced

Make it: Whisk eggs, vanilla, and spices together. Dip bread into egg mixture. Spray skillet with cooking spray and saute bread on each side until brown (about 3 minutes). Top with apple slices.

What I've learned...

The Sexy By Summer contestants had to post three things that we've learned so far in our weight loss journey.

**Update! Update! Update!**
Sorry, I was just starting this post when I got a phone call from my sister-in-law. She's been following my blog and started using her elliptical at home after being inspired by me to get off her butt. What's so important I had to stop writing and share? She joined Planet Fitness today! She used to go to a gym but injured her knee and stopped going. Now she's on her way to getting healthier and I am so proud of her. Woot! Woot!

This is what I posted:

1. I learned that if I can stick to my extremely strict meal plan and vigorous exercise schedule, I can do anything.

2. I learned to take something I loved and dearly missed, dancing, and use it to melt away pounds and inches. I sweat like a pig but love my Core Rhythm and Go Go Dancing DVD's and my iPod is always clipped to me as I boogie while doing housework.

3. I learned that I can no longer eat whatever I want and sit on my ass. Even after having five kids, I'd never had to lose the weight (go ahead, give me a dirty look). I learned that as I'm getting older, it's possible to gain 20 pounds in three months if I'm lazy.

4. I know this is more than three, but this is the most important lesson for me to have learned. I learned to stand up for myself. I've always weighed 120 lbs or less (mostly less). When I told my friends and family that I'd joined a weight loss competition I had to hear "You don't need to lose weight, you're so skinny already." But I was uncomfortable. At 140 lbs, I was fat for ME. I don't want to be "You look great for having five kids." I want to be "There's no way you've had five kids!" I have no problem repeating this to those who think I'm already skinny.

After I submitted my post, I began thinking of many other things I've learned. I thought it might make a decent post so here you go:

I've learned that I can live without Cap'n Crunch (most of the time anyway).

I've learned that I can turn to exercise instead of food when I'm having a bad day.

I've learned that working out can be fun and it's ok to sweat like a pig and look like you've spent three too many hours in the sun when you're finished.

I've learned I have an amazing support system containing family, friends, and complete strangers.

I've learned that even a $500 shopping spree can't make some women catty.

I've learned that there truly are some fantastic people in the world who won't hesitate to give someone a boost even though they are competing against them.

I've learned my kids like veggies.

I've learned that it's ok to have a bad day, even a few bad days, as long as I find a morning to start over.

I've learned it's ok to start over.

I've learned that I'm not just a mommy and a wife. I'm also a human being who needs "me" time so I can do a cardio exercise or go to the gym.

I've learned to like oatmeal.

I've learned it feels much better to put my hands on my hips and actually be able to feel my hips.

Most of all, I've learned to believe in myself. Never having to lose weight before, I didn't know how hard it was going to be. All the fat packed on pretty quickly and I wanted it off even quicker. I learned to be patient and eventually my hard work would pay off. I believe I can look the way I want myself to look.

Last September when my half sister got married, I wanted to look great in my bridesmaid dress so I started exercising. In June, I was 132 lb which was my heaviest ever. The day of the wedding I was back down to 120 lb and, having recently kicked my self esteem issues in the butt, I thought I looked hot! By December I was back at 130 lb and in January was at 140 lb. I was F-A-T!......for me. My first post ends with "Let's do this!" I now know that I can do this because I am doing this.

I've learned so much on this journey. I've also enjoyed sharing it with all of those who read my posts. I've already achieved one goal which was to inspire one person to become healthier. I'm so anxious to start hearing my sister's-in-law updates. Maybe she'll inspire someone else as well.

Slacker Fattie tip- You don't need a lot of fancy equipment at home to get in shape. Use water bottles as dumb bells. That big bottle of laundry detergent can also be used to tone up your flabby arms. I used my kid's plastic step stool to step up and down on until I bought an exercise step. Look around your house and get creative. I bet you'll find all sorts of ways to shape up without spending a dime on over priced exercise equipment.

Sexy Meal Plan tip- If you are serious about wanting to drop pounds, one of the first steps should be switching to water. It's amazing how many calories soda, "healthy" drinks, sports drinks, alcohol and even fruit juices contain. Don't even get me started on diet soda. Drink water, got it?

Waist Watchers Countdown- 31 days
Sexy by Summer Countdown- 64 days

The Gummy Bear Song

Last night I was catching up on email when my 12 year old daughter, Reyna, came in. She was all excited for me to listen to this song she and her friend found on youtube.com. Keep in mind that she's not supposed to BE on YouTube. So, I stopped what I was doing, opened a new tab (because I finally know how to do that), and found the song. A song with a green cartoon, yellow tighty-whitey wearing Gummy Bear.

The Gummy Bear Song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qC_hF31z130

Hearing a cute tune, Carson, my 5 year old son, came running in. He instantly fell in love with The Gummy Bear Song. Hubby came in, "Daddy! Daddy! You have to listen to The Gummy Bear Song!" Carson is Daddy's only son, so he agreed to watch The Gummy Bear Song. He just shook his head, laughed, and went into the other room. I was forced to listen to The Gummy Bear song three more times. However, I did appease myself and my darling son. I opened a new window (which I recently learned how to do) so I could read my email while Carson watched The Gummy Bear Song.

It is cute and catchy and I can't listen to it without at least tapping my foot. I finished reading my emails, played the song one more time because I'm such a good mommy, and then turned the computer off. The song, however, did not turn off. No, there was nothing wrong with my computer. It was off. The damn song is in my head! And it's stuck there! Permanently, I believe. Not to fear, Wonder Cocktail is here! Alcohol to the rescue! Great. Now I sound like an alcoholic. Whatever. Within an hour, I'm feeling good and The Gummy Bear Song is out of my head.

I woke up this morning and my thoughts trail to The Gummy Bear Song. The 9 to 5 Ladies (my daily email group of girlfriends) have a song of the day. Kris and Melissa usually choose a sweet Christian song or a catchy country song. My song choices are titled "The Black Sheep Song of the Day." Why? Because I usually choose Lil Wayne, Beyonce, Ludacris, etc. Being the wonderful friend I am, I decided to share The Gummy Bear Song – compliments of Carson and Maisie, my 2 year old daughter.

Melissa didn't even listen to the song. Her reply was oh hellllllllllllllllll nooooooooooooooo. I didn't hear from Kris or Beth so I'm guessing they chose not to be adventurous either. I tried to convince them to listen to it. Oh well. You can listen to it and then tell me what you think. Come on! Where's your sense of adventure? Someone took really good drugs to come up with this song. They wasted valuable time to entertain the world. The least you can do is listen to it once. Oh, and Carson's favorite part is the Gummy Bear's butt crack. Oh, yes, boys are sooooo different from girls.

Slacker Fattie Tip – Ummmmm, I'm drawing a blank here. What the hell. Take the day off. Go have fun. Just make sure you boogie at least a little bit today.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – Evo's. Healthy fast food. Yes! There is such a thing. Go to www.evos.com and find a location near you. If there isn't one, find the closest one and go. Even if it's in the next state. No, I'm not paying for you gas to get there and back.

How I discovered I'd gotten too fat....for me

See that picture? Those are my jeans. I've had them for two years. They're size 5 Arizona Jeans that I got from Bealls while shopping for Kelly. They are stretchy and oh, so comfy. Or, at least they were. The first clue that they didn't fit anymore should have been when I acquired the oh-so-attractive muffin top. But no, I kept squeezing into them, not thinking too much about having to unbutton them when I sat down.

The second clue should have been when I popped the button off when I sat down and didn't unbutton them. But no – it took the third clue. Look closely to the butt of my favorite – once favorite – pair of jeans. Yeah, that's a hole. A big one. Right in the ass. You may notice small bits of black thread. That's where I tried to repair that giant ass hole – ummm, that didn't sound so great. Let's try this. That's where I tried to repair the giant rip in the back. Better? I used heavy duty thread and stitched it over three times.

I waited a week. Why? I don't know. Maybe I was thinking it would toughen, up like Gorilla Glue.

The day came for me to try them on and see if the stitch would hold. I'd lost 15 pounds and an inch off my butt so I thought, "What the hell?" That's 15 pounds since January, not in one week. I'm not on The Biggest Loser...yet. I pulled them on, zipped them up and buttoned them (somehow I managed to sew the button on, too). After 10 minutes of walking around and sitting down a few times, the button held. The stitching? Well, you see the results. The inspiration I got from these jeans has been twofold. First, is to get off my obviously fat ass and exercise so I can fit back into them comfortably (just not in public anymore). Second, to win Sexy by Summer so I can get that $500 shopping spree. I NEED that shopping spree! Not only do I need a new sports bra… but now I need new jeans, too.

Slacker Fattie Tip – If you notice your clothes are starting to fit a little snug, it's NOT ok to go buy bigger ones (unless you're prego, then feel free to shop away). Snug clothes means your shoveling food in your face and sitting on your fat butt – I seem to be in a sarcastic mood today, sorry.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – I've said this before but it bears repeating. Portion control. That doesn't mean controlling your portions so they don't touch each other on your plate. This means that you don't need 2 giant pieces of chicken/steak/pork, etc. The amount of food a restaurant serves you is ridiculous. I've heard this in many different places: Cut your dinner in half and ask them to box up the other half. Save it for tomorrow's lunch (not a late night snack, you can't be THAT hungry!)

Fell asleep at rock bottom, woke up to a cute hiney

Last night I feel asleep crying. I am so angry at myself and my behavior for the past 4 days. Since Friday I've eaten Cap'n Crunch, Subway, a hamburger with a bun, potato salad, Cap'n Crunch, chips and queso, meat loaf, pizza without the cheese (because I promised Melissa I wouldn't eat cheese), Cap'n Crunch, and French Onion soup (also without cheese). I also haven't done squat in terms of exercising.

Last week I was losing weight like there was no tomorrow. I was so proud of myself. For some reason I got it in my head that one bowl of cereal wasn't going to make a big difference. Then it was just 1/2 of a 6" sub. Then just a handful of chips and it all continued downward. The result? A gain of 2.6 pounds and feeling like shit. I had my body pretty much cleared out of toxins and in four days, I put them all back in. Was it worth it? Hell no! Last night I went to bed early because I felt so awful inside. Mostly because of what I'd eaten, but partly because I was so disgusted with myself (this is where my family calls/texts me to make sure I'm ok and not becoming obsessive). Last night I realized I was letting myself down. I was letting my family down after putting them through my OCD over what I was eating and exercising. I was letting Douglas down after all the time he invested in me. How many trainers continue to answer your texts and emails long after your last session? One?

This morning I woke up to a cute hiney 2 feet from my face. Two year old Maisie always seems to wind up back in my bed despite the number of times I put her in hers. She refuses to wear undies to bed and had on a nightgown last night. I open my eyes and there it is! Poor baby got my bubble butt. It's cute now, but she'll hate it when she gets older. I couldn't help but smile. I laid there after covering her up thinking of all the things I needed to get done today. I started to get overwhelmed as my ADD began consuming my thoughts. Then, Maisie rolled over and I looked at her cute little baby face – I started my thinking over again.

I got out of bed, changed out of my pj's (this in itself is a big accomplishment for this SAHM!), grabbed a load of laundry and shoved it in the washer, fed the dogs, fed the cats, and fixed my breakfast. In 20 minutes my alarm is going to go off to take my Adderall. Before that, a load of dishes will be washing in the dishwasher. After that, I'll be trying out my new Crunch Fitness Go Go Dancing DVD. Then I'll catch up on the 59 or so emails from the 9 to 5 Ladies (my 3 friends who email back and forth all day) and divide the playroom in to sections to clean. Before lunch I'll do my Tae Bo video (yes, we still own a working VHS player). Laundry will get washed, dried, folded, and PUT AWAY. The kitchen will be cleaned. The playroom will be organized. I'll remember to take my afternoon Adderall. Dinner will be put on the table at 5:00. Before I go to bed, I will have done my Core Rhythms DVD.

Today is a new day and I'm going to make it count. I have 36 days left until the end of the Waist Watchers competition and 75 days left until the end of Sexy by Summer. This is plenty of time to reach my goal. I can't afford to screw around anymore. There's no more time to waste. A lot of my new found motivation came from watching The Biggest Loser as I cried myself to sleep last night. To watch those people work out 6-10 hours a day, sweat profusely, and push themselves as far as they can is incredible inspiration. I can't move Douglas into my house (believe me, if I could I would). It's up to me to get myself up off my ass and do the work. It's up to me to push myself as hard as I can. My taste buds will suffer, my muscles will ache, and my knees will hate me. But my inner self will be elated at the end of all this. I'll be happy, healthy, and sexy as hell!

Well, I've finished my breakfast of Romaine lettuce and 1/3 can of tuna (I added ONE tablespoon of light dressing...shhhhh!) and I'm off go Go Go dance!

**UPDATE** Just got the post back from my editor and I wanted to add that the Go Go Dance DVD kicked my ass! Dishes are done, 3 loads of laundry are done, I took my Adderall, I'm off to eat another salad with tuna, then kick some Tae Bo butt!

Slacker Fattie Tip – She’ll return from time to time, that Slacker Fattie in you. It's up to you to send her packing again and release the Skinny Bitch. Have faith in yourself that you can send her off on another extended trip or a permanent move. I've sent my Slacker Fattie deep into the Amazon Rain Forest. May she get lost or fall in love with an Amazon Native and never return.

Sexy Meal Plan Tip – Eat your veggies. I've recently discovered that the detox cleanses are a waste of money. Eating lots of fruits and veggies that are high in fiber does the same thing. So save your $40 and hit the produce section hard!